Thank you
Aba for your comments! I am going to address here as best I can how someone can help a friend or family member recover from anorexia.
My nutritionist recommended a book called "100 Questions and Answers About Anorexia Nervosa". I flipped through the part written for family and friends and picked out some ideas that I thought might be helpful to my husband and shared them with him, followed by a brief discussion about what we'd read. It went ok. He didn't have any comments but when I asked him if it was helpful he said "yes", however, he was unable to elaborate much.
I often ask my husband how I look. This book suggests that he bow out of any conversations regarding my appearance. I happen to think this is good advice! If he says I look good while I'm too thin, I will want to stay this way to please him. If he says I look good as I gain, I will either be upset that I've gained OR I will decide I have to be that weight to please him. The whole point here is for me to learn to love MY body on my own regardless of what anyone else thinks! I also need to look to myself for approval and love. If I learn to stop being co-dependent and approval seeking, this will be an important step towards a recovery that will last a lifetime.
I have my own personal needs and I am am willing to bet this will not be the same for all anorexics, but I am happy to share them! Please consider though that every person has different recovery needs and it might be helpful to ask them how you can support them directly. It also may be beneficial to ask their therapist how you can best support them in ways that will not feed their disease. Below I will explore the things I am learning through therapy that are helping my husband and I to support my healing journey in healthy positive ways.
The victim personality. Many anorexics believe the world has wronged them in some way. Don't let us talk about being a victim. As a woman who was abused sexually and emotionally, who was neglected in ways by her family, and who suffers physical illness, I have more than enough "amo" to make me feel victimized by the world and even by Hashem! I WAS a victim. Now I am safe and loved and that makes me a non-victim. I am working to change my mentality through CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), techniques such as positive counter-statements, assertiveness and boundaries work, re framing, and others. I am using a book called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by author Edmund J. Bourne in therapy and it is making all of the difference in my recovery. If I am "acting the victim" there are several things my husband can do to help me. This does not come naturally to my husband so he is unable to joke with me and tease me, but it would great if could make me laugh at myself! "Are you dying today?", he may ask me with a grin. Or "That's my drama queen!" Humor is a great way to help me examine my behavior in a non-threatening way.
Of course, humor will not always work, (and how is he supposed to know when to use humor and when to take me seriously?). If I am crying, I would love for him to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me it's going to be ok. If holding me is not a possibility, he can sit with me and tell me how much he loves me and he can ask me how he can support me at that time. He should not, however, engage me in a conversation about what's wrong and should direct me instead towards a distraction when I seem less tense and my tears have dried. The idea of distractions i not my own invention, it was recommended by my CBT therapist. I like to read, sit in the yard and draw, (when it gets too cold to sit out, I light candles inside and draw and it feels very soothing!), play with our dog, snuggle, (without discussing anything deep!!), polish my nails or try makeup color combinations, paint, write, (no journaling allowed as that helps me dwell on feelings, so fiction only!), and a million other things! I think it helps to have a list handy of all the things I enjoy doing to remind me of healthy distractions as I am not usually able to think of them when I am in victim mode.
Independence and interdependence. I am quite dependent and co-dependent with my husband. As my ADHD is being treated, I am becoming less dependent on my husband for decision making and this is wonderful for both of us! I am still quite a co-dependent seeking his approval (and others in my life), and this is not healthy for our relationship. Approval seeking is a big part of anorexia for many anorexia and it keeps us sick by telling us we have to be pretty, nice, and good for others. My husband now says "What do you think," when I ask him how I look or what I think/feel about something. I am learning to have my own opinions, to trust my opinions, and to voice them as well. I am also learning to respect his needs and boundaries. In fact, I am even finding that I have boundaries for myself! I never believed I had a right to have my own needs and wants. This realization is very freeing, (though I still feel quite guilty for my needs and feelings and I am working to change this as it is an important part of my recovery. Anorexics feel guilty for many things and this can lead to their perfectionist tendencies).
My husband is not here to "save me" from my past and from the gaping holes inside of me from years of fear and pain. Now it is my job to heal myself! I am learning to re-direct my needs by using the distractions mentioned above when I feel that I "need" my husband to make everything okay for me. I make everything okay for me when I draw, for example, and get in touch with my feelings through art therapy. Anorexics don't like their feelings and they starve themselves as an addiction the same way an alcoholic uses alcohol to cover up their emotions and numb out. If I allow my husband to try to fill my "holes" I will never heal. Even if I return to a normal weight, I am likely to relapse. (I reached a normal weight in high school but I never dealt with my feelings and now I've been battling my anorexia for the past three years!)
My husband and I can do fun things together that we both enjoy. We don't have any money to spend right now, but we are trying to save up for a "photography" trip. We love to go camping and photography nature together! Until we have some money, we go to free museums or art exhibitions. We don't have kids, so we have the luxury of going out without having to pay for a babysitter. (Aba, if you have kids, perhaps you can you can occupy them with an activity they can do by themselves while you and your wife play a board game nearby, or something to that effect?) I think it's important to create a relationship built on more than just the"problems" and this is very hard for a person who believes she is a victim and is worthless unless something is wrong.
Wow, this got to be a long post! It was helpful to me write this out. I hope it helps others as well.
One more thing: I am making a ton of mistakes as I go. I am still struggling with my food and I have not been keeping to my meal plan. I have ups and downs and I am learning, slowly, that this is normal and healthy. I am also working on letting the mistakes go and keeping the successes close by!
Thanks for reading,
Bracha Tova
"Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty: the body is no more than a costume, and it can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies, like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character who might, finally, be all right." ---Wasted
