Yom Kippur mistakes, recovery plans

Dear friends,

I hope everyone had a very meaningful Yom Kippur!

Yom Kippur was difficult for me. I was instructed to start out eating by Shir and to stop fasting if my ED (eating disorder), showed any signs of slowing my recovery. I should have eaten and broke the fast...

I ate significantly less calories than my meal plan calls for and it has definitely offered the eating disorder “room to maneuver”.

I sent my nutritionist an e-mail first thing this morning, I have therapy today, and I’m writing hear to G-d willing ensure my continued recovery.

I don’t trust myself to “do this alone”. I feel FAT. I feel tired. I’m in physical pain (eating makes me bloated which puts pressure on my bladder and causes tremendous pain. I am unable to continue taking advil 4 times a day as it can cause stomach bleeding. My painful bladder syndrome, Interstitial cystitis, while not the cause of my anorexia, is definitely a significant contributor to my desire to stop eating!).

Why am I anorexic? In short, (read my story “Why I Chose Anorexia” coming soon! for more details), I am anorexic because it is easier to die than to face my feelings. It’s easier to slip away and disappear than it is to face ME.

My recovery plan for today: E-mail my nutritionist every bite I eat, do anxiety/feelings work in therapy, rest if I am in pain--very difficulty for me as I feel guilty for taking time to care for myself, (I have a great book from the library and Harry Potter DVD’s that I borrow from the library on hand in case of emergency for painful days, my goal is to use them if I need em'), I can write/paint, I love to be outdoors, (I often draw or read under my favorite tree), I can light some scented candles while I clean, (this always makes me feel special!), and do some journaling. Of course, I will not get to relax the whole day! I have to clean house, (we have a client coming over so this is not optional), and buy groceries. I have to make sure, however, to take time to rest! Pain is exhausting. I will assert myself today and take care of my needs. I will also do some work in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (Bourne) and The Food and Feelings Workbook (Koenig).

I feel fat. I am in pain that brings me to tears. I am scared of my feelings. I’m exhausted (I’m not sleeping great due to the pain). Wonderful reasons to let the anorexia win, right?

Wrong.

What feelings am I afraid of today? I’m afraid of feeling the physical pain and how emotional it makes me. I feel weak and vulnerable when I get emotional and this feels scary and out of control. I’m feeling overwhelmed by the pain, angry that I have to suffer, exhausted from fighting, guilty for eating/drinking (food and water, my only beverage option, cause me pain. I feel like I’m being punished and that is why I’m sick with IC! I also have a "mistaken belief" that I am making myself by eating/drinking...). I feel fed up with being sick. I feel unsure that the pain will end (my IC flares don’t usually last this long!). I feel so much…..and the feelings are mostly negative.

I do however have spending time outdoors to look forward to, and watching the sunrise. Eating my homemade French bread and olive oil dip (one of my specialties, I enjoy baking bread!).

I hope that I can hold on to hope today and continue my recovery.

Thanks for reading and sharing my recovery with me today,

Bracha Tova

P.S. I just re-read this post, (I do that before posting!), and something important occurred to me. I am still not feeling my feelings. I am merely stating them, writing them down in black and white. I am adding another goal for my recovery today: spend 5-10 minutes FEELING my feelings and then journal/post about it!

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Albert Einstein