Yom Kippur mistakes, recovery plans

Dear friends,

I hope everyone had a very meaningful Yom Kippur!

Yom Kippur was difficult for me. I was instructed to start out eating by Shir and to stop fasting if my ED (eating disorder), showed any signs of slowing my recovery. I should have eaten and broke the fast...

I ate significantly less calories than my meal plan calls for and it has definitely offered the eating disorder “room to maneuver”.

I sent my nutritionist an e-mail first thing this morning, I have therapy today, and I’m writing hear to G-d willing ensure my continued recovery.

I don’t trust myself to “do this alone”. I feel FAT. I feel tired. I’m in physical pain (eating makes me bloated which puts pressure on my bladder and causes tremendous pain. I am unable to continue taking advil 4 times a day as it can cause stomach bleeding. My painful bladder syndrome, Interstitial cystitis, while not the cause of my anorexia, is definitely a significant contributor to my desire to stop eating!).

Why am I anorexic? In short, (read my story “Why I Chose Anorexia” coming soon! for more details), I am anorexic because it is easier to die than to face my feelings. It’s easier to slip away and disappear than it is to face ME.

My recovery plan for today: E-mail my nutritionist every bite I eat, do anxiety/feelings work in therapy, rest if I am in pain--very difficulty for me as I feel guilty for taking time to care for myself, (I have a great book from the library and Harry Potter DVD’s that I borrow from the library on hand in case of emergency for painful days, my goal is to use them if I need em'), I can write/paint, I love to be outdoors, (I often draw or read under my favorite tree), I can light some scented candles while I clean, (this always makes me feel special!), and do some journaling. Of course, I will not get to relax the whole day! I have to clean house, (we have a client coming over so this is not optional), and buy groceries. I have to make sure, however, to take time to rest! Pain is exhausting. I will assert myself today and take care of my needs. I will also do some work in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (Bourne) and The Food and Feelings Workbook (Koenig).

I feel fat. I am in pain that brings me to tears. I am scared of my feelings. I’m exhausted (I’m not sleeping great due to the pain). Wonderful reasons to let the anorexia win, right?

Wrong.

What feelings am I afraid of today? I’m afraid of feeling the physical pain and how emotional it makes me. I feel weak and vulnerable when I get emotional and this feels scary and out of control. I’m feeling overwhelmed by the pain, angry that I have to suffer, exhausted from fighting, guilty for eating/drinking (food and water, my only beverage option, cause me pain. I feel like I’m being punished and that is why I’m sick with IC! I also have a "mistaken belief" that I am making myself by eating/drinking...). I feel fed up with being sick. I feel unsure that the pain will end (my IC flares don’t usually last this long!). I feel so much…..and the feelings are mostly negative.

I do however have spending time outdoors to look forward to, and watching the sunrise. Eating my homemade French bread and olive oil dip (one of my specialties, I enjoy baking bread!).

I hope that I can hold on to hope today and continue my recovery.

Thanks for reading and sharing my recovery with me today,

Bracha Tova

P.S. I just re-read this post, (I do that before posting!), and something important occurred to me. I am still not feeling my feelings. I am merely stating them, writing them down in black and white. I am adding another goal for my recovery today: spend 5-10 minutes FEELING my feelings and then journal/post about it!

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Albert Einstein

The road is long...searching for hope!

Dear friends,

Recovery is difficult today. Last night I saw a picture of myself where I was 3 pounds below my "recovery goal weight" (designed by my nutritionist and myself together), and my husband said I looked average (in terms of weight). I know I shouldn't ask him these things--but I do and I hope he will learn how to respond. How can I help him understand he is feeding my anorexia? I plan to tell him how I feel. I need him to know/understand that I must be SKINNY in his eyes. He also said I don't look anorexic to him right now...but the bones in my back still stick out. (He comes from a very skinny family, himself included, but it doesn't matter! He must learn about anorexia so that he is more sensative to my situation. I suppose I will be teaching him as he will not come to therapy or a nutrition appointment). I am hurting over this. I am also physically in pain as I have something called interstitial cystitis (painful bladder syndrome). I haven't had a flare/been in pain in 4 months. Now that I am eating again, the pain/flare is back. It seems that the more I eat, the more pressure is put on my bladder...

I am still eating...but today is going to be extra difficult after my husband's comments last night and the pain I get when I eat while in a flare. G-d will have to help me through this...

How am I still eating? The pain in my husband's face/eyes when I get out of control emotionally because I'm starving is the only reason I keep eating. Now if I can just get him to support me the way I need...

On another note, our dog broke a glass window last night! She often leaps at the window when a cat shows up and she finally broke the window. Just in time for Succos! The theme that G-d Himself is the only One Who can protect us and Who gives us life is clear to me. It is also clear to me that G-d wants me alive in this world right now...though I cannot say why?

The road is long and painful...but I have hope that the sun will set on the darkness and there is light peeping through. I just hope I find the light soon...

Take care!

Bracha Tova

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Hi, I'm Bracha Tova...

Bracha Tova is a Hebrew name. Bracha means Blessing and Tova means good.

I am a Blessing for the good, and so are you.

Why did I name my blog Bracha Tova?

I am a religious Jew and I am trying to recover from anorexia nervosa. This blog will be a reminder to me on my journey to recovery that I am indeed a Blessing for the GOOD.

This blog will document my journey through my recovery. How I'm doing, what is inspiring me, pieces of my journal, and other things I feel like sharing along the way! I also hope to share some of my writing and creative works.

Who am I? I am a 30 something year old woman, a balaas t'shuva, and I have anorexia. Anorexia has been my identity since around the age of 11. (I learned recently that this is NOT an identity but a lackthereof, thank you to my nutritionist for that one!) I like nature, writing, reading, art (painting, drawing, collage, and art museums), museums, singing, music, photography, Harry Potter, animals, poetry, sunsets, being outdoors, libraries, cozy things (like tea and flannels), and many other things too!

I look forward to your comments! Thanks for stopping by.

Bracha Tova

"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."
Veronica A. Shoffstall